"Just Put The Hammer Down"

I have had a problem for such a long time now.  I don't know when it began and I pray that one day it will stop.  This issue has effected every aspect of my life from teen years, to the birth of my children, the raising of my children, and even now.....even today.

I have a huge "hammer" and I "beat" myself with it often and for as long as I can remember.  I don't think I ever realized it until a wonderful friend, whom I love dearly, kept saying "Put the hammer down, Tonya."   He tried for years to get rid of that nasty thing, but all he was able to do was make the hammer smaller.


I wish I could "pinpoint" when and why it all started.  I think that I could analyze the reason enough to break free from it.  It drives me crazy to know, intellectually, that is not good, how much harm comes from it, how it sucks the joy out of any occasion, and yet, I feel helpless to "release" it.

My most recent "hammer" time  started slowly a few days ago, and went into full force last night.  A little background:

I am a single mom of three wonderful kids, ages 16,10,3.  My mom, who was my best friend all my life, as I was an only child, was "taken" from me 4 years ago this  coming March.  What I mean by "taken" is that she is in a respiratory rehab facility 2 1/2 hours away from me, with a trach in her throat, hooked to a ventilator machine to breathe each and every breath she takes.  The REAL "beautiful" side of smoking.  She was diagnosed with Emphysema over 13 years ago.  She didn't stop smoking until 2 years before she had to come to the rehab facility. 

My mom was always there for advice, and gave it regularly whether you wanted it sometimes or not.  I never made a "move" without consulting with her first.  We, my firstborn and I, moved back in with her in 1998.  As her condition got worse, I knew I could never leave her.  She was on O2 twenty-four hours a day.  She was able to go out, when and if her "fears" let her.  With this horrible disease comes panic attacks and massive anxiety.  Another "beautiful" part.  Cold and flu season were "death" watches as we were all terrified we would bring something home to her.  We wore masks, sanitized all the time, and stayed away from her, at least into another room, if we were sick.  One of the minor reasons I chose to home school my kids was to reduce the amount of germs  that they would come in contact with and bring home to her. 

2007, she got a cold she could not fight.  So much more to that story, for another time, and she ended up with the trach and on the ventilator with extremely high hopes of being weaned off.  When it did not happen in the ICU, she had to be transferred, by Medicaid rules, to this facility.  

So she was taken from our home, from my kids and thrown into a situation she was so scared of that I lost the Mom I used to know.  

We can only visit her once a week, due to money issues, as it costs a tank of gas and we eat dinner there and buy her whatever personal items she needs.  If we are sick, or the weather is bad, we have to skip a week.  With three kids, sometimes the sicknesses last three weeks and I am yearning to see her.

She doesn't "talk" to me, she has no voice, and doesn't like to use the "speaking valve".  So I just sit next to her bed and talk for the hours we are there, or we watch T.V. together.  I know she is content with me just being in the room, as I am with her just being in the room.  

She can not see very well now, she has cataracts in both eyes, and due to her "situation", the facility feels that no eye doctor will perform the cataract surgery to remove them.  So she can't watch T.V., or get on her computer to email me or watch movies I have bought her.  

At this point in time, due to sickness, weather and car issues (bad brakes, bald back tire, bad "arm" on passenger  side), I have not seen her in three weeks. 

I knew on Thursday the chances of seeing mom were not good as I had no money and no mechanic...he was on vacation till the 28th, to fix my car issues.  And the hammer started.  Now, I know that my decision to not go was right, the safety of my kids and myself are number one; but it is a bitter pill to swallow.  "Hammering" myself about why I don't have enough money to fix these things.  "Hammering" myself about how I am failing her.  On and on it goes.

I also KNOW that my mom will understand.  She will want us to be safe.  But I picture her there...at the rehab....in bed....struggling for each breath, - remember, just because the machine breathes for you, doesn't mean you stop doing it on your own.  So each and every one of her pathetic, Emphysema'd lung breaths cause her  great struggle . - not able to see, being lonely.......I am sure you get the picture.

So I decide to call her.  She has a phone in her room and I set it up with her nurse that day.  I want her to hear  my voice.  I want her to know why I am not coming......again.    We have a code:1 "click" of the tongue for "yes" and 2 for "no", and 3 if she needs to get off cause she can't "handle" it anymore.  It tends to stress her out, and the more she stresses, the harder it is for her to "breathe".  

I tell her why I can't come THIS time.  I tell her how we pray for her every day, how she is NOT forgotten, how much I love her and miss her.  I start to cry.  Her "clicking" is many.  Her way to telling me to stop....stop the hammering.  Just don't know how, folks.  

I know, intellectually, I am doing my best.  I know that this 4 year journey with taking "care" of my mom is more than many people would do for their parents.  I should feel peace inside that I am doing" all I can."  But I don't.  That "hammer" smashes that peace.  

Today, I find this on my wall at Facebook:

Am waiting for my heart to understand what my mind does....so I can put away the hammer.....for good.